Once something feels as if it is going right, it doesn’t feel real.
Eventually, it will all be taken away.
This temporary feeling of happiness is nothing more than passing time.
I have experienced so many moments that have made me think nothing will go my way, that once something seems as if it will be positive for me, I fear the worst.
I fear that it will all fall apart and nothing will end up the way I want.
It’s why I don’t try to get my hopes up.
But I’m human.
I want to believe it will go the way I want.
I want to believe it will work out.
But I’m human,
So I know it will not.
I want to believe that I am allowed to be happy.
But history repeats itself.
Once again, history repeats itself.
Humans don’t learn from history.
I learnt to not be happy.
I learnt to expect nothing.
I get anxious when things are going well.
I start to break down when I think of how well things are going.
I have been taught that I don’t deserve anything.
I had no teacher for it.
There was no one in particular I could say helped me understand this.
There was only my life.
My life is what it is.
And my life is all that I can relate to.
Everyone wants things to go the way they hope.
Everyone can beg.
Ask.
Prey.
But that’s all they can do.