Why am I writing this in the middle of the night?
There is no simple answer.
The night is the loneliest time. The silence can and has killed people.
Thoughts run wild as they made you doubt everything you’ve ever thought about yourself and those around you.
Mental health is as important as ever. People struggle and are constantly on that tipping point, unable to know just when they may find themselves in unfamiliar territory, or perhaps, even worse places.
At night, when the mind is awake, and no one else is around, is when you are most vulnerable. Emotions brew inside and boil over. People deal with this in different ways, some are more worrying than others, and some just simply keep smiling.
It’s impossible to know what is going on in the head of those around you. Even if you were around someone 24/7, it’s still impossible to know everything about them, and what they are dealing with.
There are people out there, with far more education on this subject than me. And I highly recommend, if you are interested in mental health, to do your own research. As, everything I say here, will be based on my own experiences, as well as explaining my own story.
To start, I’m someone who is a hypocrite, I believe strongly in speaking and seeking help, but refuse to myself. The reason I am a hypocrite is due to my own belief. I’ve experienced counselling and personally struggled. I didn’t know the cause of my own problems, and I didn’t understand them, because of this, I lied. I lied about the issues I faced and that quickly turned into a belief that I wasn’t good enough to be feeling what I was feeling. As such, I kept up my act of ‘improving’ until they let me go. You could argue that they knew I was lying, but that isn’t important, as what was important was the following years.
I started to understand myself at university. My nights at university were of me staying up light, attempting to find a reason for existing in this world. Being a fan of Anime and Manga, I tried drawing.
Drawing failed, so I turned to writing.
Frustration would quickly grow as this thought of not being good enough grew like a cancerous tumour, even now, it’ll never go. You could compare it to imposter syndrome.
But, how did this frustration originate? I believe it came from my desire for fame.
To me, fame has been a, perhaps unhealthy, obsession. The idea of ‘you are nothing in this world unless everyone knows your name’, is common. And it hasn’t left my mind, because I still believe in the improbably.
(Although, to defend myself against the hypocritical statement I made. For me, writing and this blog became an outlet. A place where I could speak about my life and inform others. Even if no one listens, just having this little place for me to come back to, is a huge help. I highly recommend people start a blog, as it is unbelievable how much the little things can help)
My circumstances in life, are better than most. I’m lucky to have parents and friends who will support me. Even now, as COVID sweeps the world, my parents support me in my overly hopeful endeavours.
To call myself useless is harsh but I’d say correct. I am unemployed with zero income and refuse to look for a job. All this is purely my fault and no one else’s.
Others will argue, and I’ve heard that a million times, but just shouting something someone knows won’t help them. There are reasons why people ignore what they know, and it could be different for everyone.
For me, I suffer greatly from social anxiety to the point where it is crippling. I never used to suffer badly, but recent years have caused a turn for the worse.
Each tweet, post, novel, artwork, whatever, is a battle to post. I weigh up the good and bad of everything before I post. The thoughts of those that read it. The opinions people will have of me from it. And the words they may say.
This got to the point, where my own goals such as writing and streaming, were poisoned because of it. My dreams were being stopped, along with my life.
And that is why I am unemployed, not because I wish to be, but because I’ve been forced down and squished against everything. The idea of it all terrifies me to the point where I break down and cry.
Of course, it’s overthinking. But, as I said above, there is no point telling someone something they already know.
The truth is people don’t care. A person will think about you negatively in the moment of interaction, and perhaps then forget.
They’ll remember the positives, but they’ll only bring up the negatives when asked, which is rarer than it seems.
(Strangely, I studied Drama and music at school, meaning I had to perform in front of crowds. It seems that past me was much braver than current me).
But why am I saying this? Why did I derail from whatever original point I had?
Well, because I believe that I wanted to hear this.
Perhaps I did want to hear it from myself. All the stuff I write is a way for me to try and understand myself better. And, most times it doesn’t always work.
Maybe it’s why I love music and fiction so much because I understand it better, or maybe I don’t need to understand it.
So, about why I’m writing this in the middle of the night. It’s because, at night, I’m myself. I can think freely to myself whilst blasting my favourite tunes.
Of course, this is dangerous. Being alone is scary, and even I’m scared of it. I’m scared of the future. I’m scared of my own life and what could become of me.
I don’t know what the future will hold, I can only fantasise about it all and hope it comes to something close to what I envision.
But, for now, we have to wait for the night to end, and the following day to come.
Instead of putting my normal links below, instead are links to a place where you can find mental health helplines.
UK https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/nhs-voluntary-charity-services/charity-and-voluntary-services/get-help-from-mental-health-helplines/
USA
https://www.bpdworld.org/helplines/usa-helplines.html
Canada
https://mindyourmind.ca/help/where-call
There may be better links for these countries, as well as many others. I highly recommend looking for your own country if needed. I know it’s hypocritical seeing as what the above says, but it does help. For me, this blog has made me start to open my shell. I’m not fully there, it may take a while, but I’m trying.
(There are some amazing people that I should thank for helping me find this love of writing. I hope they know who they are, but I’ve never really said cause I’m not good with showing emotions).
SlippyfopTV's Random Ramblings 