I am someone who runs away. I run away from the commitment that everyone has to do, get a job. But, I got lucky, as selfish as it is to say this. I got lucky. Because of COVID-19, I am unable to get a job. No one is hiring and the UK just re-entered lockdown for a month.
However that isn’t to say I’ve been doing nothing with my life, but we’ll come back to that.
First off, why haven’t I gotten a job? Ultimately, it’s due to anxiety. For some reason that I cannot explain, the thought of me getting a job terrifies me more than anything else in the world. I’m not the best when it comes to meeting new people and speaking to them, but I can do it should I need to. My anxiety is like a faulty cannon, you never know what will trigger it.
I finished university, this year, with a degree in games development, and I had to make the decisions, do I go into games development.
It may sound like a given but this is something a lot of people think about. The thought that maybe they are doing the wrong thing. I love game development and would love to make games for a living, but I can’t see myself doing it.
So what would I do instead? Well, ideally YouTube. Currently, I have Arbitrary Echo which is a podcast and YouTube channel that I host alongside a friend of mine from university. It’s going as well as most starting out YouTube channels do. It’s a commitment but I have hopes for it.
I think I have more hopes for it than I do for game development, and I think I could make Arbitrary Echo work because I want to. I’m more committed to it. It is selfish to say this as it would mean I’m unemployed and don’t really have a stable living, but I am unbelievably lucky enough to be supported by my family during this time and I want to do everything I can to repay them when I am able to.
Anyway, let’s talk about the future, as that’s what this post is about.
I’m most certainly unsure about my future. I have been my entire life. I’ve thought countless times about the possibility that I have no future, and I still do, but I have the determination to try. My determination may not stay constantly and I may many times have thoughts I know I shouldn’t have but I’ve got to keep trying.
And it’s something that we all need to do. We all need to keep trying. Eventually, life may return to normal. It may change for the better during the lockdown, or it may change for the worst.
It could feature 1 up followed by many downs or it could feature 100 ups and only 2 downs. I can’t say.
I can’t tell you that it’ll all be ok because I don’t believe that.
All I can tell you is whatever it is you want out of life, know that it is possible.
Even if you don’t believe it is, it is. I say this even thought I doubt myself every other day.
You may have to fight to get there, but once you get there, you’ll know it.
Waiting for you will be the you that your past self couldn’t possibly imagine.
The whole question of “if you could tell your past self one thing” always pops up into my mind and my answer always changes because I’d have too much to tell him.
But I suppose, if I had to pick one piece of advice then it would be “You’ll go through a couple of ups that won’t last. There’ll be many downs, but ultimately you’ll keep going. I can’t say for how long, but maybe you could do better.”
That’s all for this week. I don’t have many ideas of what stuff I can post at the moment, but I’ll keep trying to post weekly until the end of the year where I’ll reflect on it all.
As usual, my links are below. Give a follow, comment, like do all sorts of stuff. The little things help support me.
Thanks for reading.
My links: https://linktr.ee/FabledByte
Arbitrary Echo: https://linktr.ee/ArbitraryEcho
SlippyfopTV's Random Ramblings 